The Liberal Application

I Live!

2007-09-17T02:18:39Z

Indeed! And I have turned thirty! For thirty fucking years I have inhabited this planet, traveled its paths, listened to its stories, partaken of its diversions, and eaten its delicious tacos y burritos. And yea did I celebrate my thirtieth boisterously, surrounded by my favorite fools and filled with my favorite liquors. Those who know me will also know that this is highly unusual - rarely if ever do I celebrate my birthday but this time, magically, the birthday seemed to celebrate me. And I took some pictures. Because no one would believe me otherwise.

Rock!

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He did not appreciate my birthday

This is Stefan. He has hair on his chest.

I thought I had big hair until this dude was hired.

On the right is Evan. Apparently he can sing. The other two are just degenerates.

I'm getting too lazy for captions.

It can be safely assumed that a sex act was being described.

Winner of the inexplicable sneer of the night award.

Aww...

Sarah is the bee's elbows.

I should never ever make a kissy face again. Ever.

I threatened him with violence until he celebrated my birth.

Others were more easily tractable.

Wow. It's like we're mouth-twins.

Bacon.

Beer.

He's trying to grow a jedi braid. Really.

See?

Oh dear friends.

It can be safely assumed that a sex act was being described.

It can be safely assumed that a sex act was being described. So yeah. That's it. Happy birthday, me.

Here Are Your Goddamn Photos

2007-05-13T23:20:05Z

As birthday celebrations tend to go, this one was long-running, possibly too long running. Now I've often been accused of hoarding photographs I've taken and this accusation is entirely false - the truth is that I just forget that I'd ever taken them. The drink, it does not help. But today I am not drinking! And so, here are the photos from the joint birthday celebration of Linda and Justin. Originals available upon request.

Birthday

So enthused.

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Birthday torture, or something like it.

It's flaccid. That's what happens when you put it in beer.

This beer is suspicious

The joke that never gets old

You disgust me.

Apparently we disgust each other.

This man is passionate about whatever he is drunkenly blathering about.

Shee-it. Do we know footwear or what?

This did not attract the attention of any law enforcement officers

LINDA CRUSH!

Whee.

Buyin' crap

Lookit my crap!

Crap. Check it.

We have crap!

The end.

The Best of the Best

2007-04-21T20:58:42Z

Oh, I've been so busy, blog. I doubt this is of any significance, as you (blog) and I (Tai) have no audience, but still it is lamentable that life leaves me with so few opportunities to vomit into the intertubes. The gullet of my mind contains so many juicy partially-digested morsels that I'd love to share with you. Fortunately, the intertubes are already full of other people's delicious vomit. Quality shit. Funny stuff.

So. Having been delinquent in my duty to provide the lulz, I ventured out onto Craigslist to find fresh lul for you to enjoy. Behold: Top of the Best of Craigslist NYC: apologetic edition.

lul the 1^st: Japanese Girl in Special Situation

I would like to meet someone nice. I think the men I have met are coming on too strong and It's not comfortable so I want to meet a nice man. I also have a special situation where i am looking to meet a good man for freindship who also has some freezer space because I have too many defects in my freezer and there is no room for any more. How did this happen. I had a stomach trouble and i went to a doctor -holisitic- who consulted me and told me he needed to see samples of something - I don't want to mention the word, He said take seran wrap and put on the toilet with some space and defect into it. I did this and tried to make an appointment to give him the defect but he is very busy and I can not reach him. I am worried because I paid him so I put the defect in the freezer until i can meet him. Now every day I have been making defects in the wrapper so they will be fresh and i can't talk to the doctor so I put them in the freezer too. I don't have any more room in my frezzer! If you have some room and also some time for a nice cup of coffee it would be nice to hear from you! I am a 23 years old Japanese female, slim.
(original post)

Click on through for the rest.

]]> lul the 2^nd: You mentioned Sex and the City and then I punched you

I overheard your conversation on the train
You said something to your friend like "wow, I'm glad we've become such great friends! it feels just like Sex and the City!!"

and then I lost control and punched you

I'm sorry, it's just really annoying when girls say that stuff
(original post)

lul the 3^rd: Charlie: Why two lesbians have to touch your weiner.

I know you don’t understand what happened two years ago when you broke your back and lost all control over your back half. Remember when your other mommy and I sat beside you day and night twenty four hours a day, making sure you didn’t move after your surgery? And you had to wear diapers, because you peed and pooped on everything. You used to look at us so ashamed and we would try to tell you, “We know it’s an accident. It’s okay.” Remember when we used to fill the bathtub and make you swim in it, and you looked terrified and betrayed? We had to do that! The doctor told us it was the only way you would ever be able to walk again. We didn’t believe that was true. For months all you did was drag your ass behind you. Then, one day, we came home and you were so happy to see us you STOOD UP!! We all cried. And we called everyone we knew and screamed into their answering machines, “CHARLIE STOOD UP!!”, cuz we’re nuts. Eventually you did learn to walk again, and that did make me think, “Maybe Christopher Reeve isn’t trying hard enough.” But, who knows? And your walk is very wobbily, it ain’t pretty. You look like a drunken Judy Garland, swaying and wobbling down the street.

So, now, about the penis touching thing. Since the accident, your ying yang hangs out A LOT. My mom is a nurse and she says what you have is common for paraplegics. Now, understand that your two mommies are lesbos, so yeah, dog penis in the fully opened lipstick style is not something that excites us.

But, because is hangs out, it gets dry, and painfully chapped and red. That’s when Queer mommy #1 has to put on the antibiotic oint ment and then Queer mommy #2 holds the little penis pouch while Queer mommy #1 shoves the penis back in. We see you looking at us like, “Is this necessary?” Unfortunately, it is. So, we want you to know, when we are shoving your p-diddy back into it’s cubby hole, it’s not sexual, it’s just two mommies trying to help out.

(original post)

Dear God

2007-03-30T07:31:21Z

Very few things can render me speechless. This has. The comments thread following the video on Youtube is equally frightening.

To Catch a Predator: Licensed Merchandise

2007-03-24T23:05:22Z

...hypothetically, anyways. No license yet, but this to me (myself being an idiot) is a fantastic idea. Most everyone by now is aware of the television show, "To Catch A Predator", featuring the pedophile-hunting host Chris Hansen.

If you're unawares of this wonderful program, let me tell you this: it is the closest thing this country has to cruel and unusual punishment, and for that reason it is fantastic. Would-be pedophiles are set up for an encounter, expecting to meet their prey, only to find Chris Hansen and his cameras waiting for them. Awkward interviews, tussles with police, denial of cookies, these are the aftermaths of the encounters. Schadenfreude aside, the humiliation of criminals is something I feel is strongly lacking in this society.

Samples, as always, are available on youtube and the official site.

So. It occurs to me that the visage of Chris Hanson, the sound of his voice, these should strike sheer terror into the hearts of pedophiles. So what could be a more effective deterrent than Chris-Hansen-branded undies? I've comped some of these up.

Here's a sample:

TREMBLE IN FEAR

But I think we can turn up the terror a little bit:

I SAID TREMBLE!

And terror more yet:

SURRENDER YOUR SOUL TO ME, FOR IT IS FORFEIT. MY ONE THOUSAND EYES WILL OVERSEE THE DISMANTLING OF YOUR FLESH, MY ONE THOUSAND CLAWS WILL ADMINISTER THE DISSECTION, MY ONE THOUSAND HANDS WILL LIFT YOUR REMAINS TO MY ONE THOUSAND MAWS, WHERE EACH AND EVERY PARCEL OF YOUR BEING WILL SING SINGULARLY IN ANGUISH, AND ONCE YOU ARE REDUCED TO AN INDIVISIBLE ATOM OF SELF, THEN SHALL YOUR PUNISHMENT BEGIN, FOR *I* AM CHRIS HANSEN, AND this is Dateline NBC. You're on live television. Do you realize what you've done here?

Finally! Someone Bring Me A Tapir

2007-03-24T20:31:55Z

A tapir.

The act of mating with a species other than your own may not be as ill advised or peculiar as it seems.

Mmm. Yes. *licks lips*

Recent research indicates that hybridization is not only widespread in nature but it might also spawn many more new species than previously thought.
A growing number of studies has been presented as evidence that two animal species can combine to produce a third, sexually viable species in a process known as hybrid speciation. Newly identified examples include both insects and fish.

Interspecies mating justified at last! No longer must I feel shame for the thousands of hours I'd spent watching Animal Planet while unclothed and be-sweated. No more must I hold a book over my privates when in the presence of a fish tank. Finally, I can stop feigning cat allergies and openly admit my lust for all living things! Bring me a sea slug! Bring me a gibnut! Hell, this discovery turns Noah's Ark into a swingers Love Boat. Alright, I'm off to the zoo to get me some action.

On Discussing Cinema

2007-03-15T04:09:10Z

So in the past I've worked with a large number of movie-studio properties. Movie titles. I've heard box office numbers flung about like gasoline prices and bust size measurements. So as much as I'm not a cinemaphile proper, I can't help but get involved in discussions regarding film production every now and then. Sometimes the result is worth preserving for posterity.

Mike: regarding the much delayed danny boyle scifi film, Sunshine: "The cast were forced to live in student amenities for a while where they had to cook for themselves..."
Me: and what exactly was the reasoning behind that?

Mike: according to the article, "to create a feel of solitude and being confined together."

Mike: apparently, they cant act either. they had to go to solitude training. confinement camp.

Me: They didn't know how to be alone, and had to be trained in solitary confinement for stretches of years, until the producers realized that the actors forgot how to speak during that time.

Me: "Well shit, talk about unintended side effects."

Mike: "say your line, dammit!"
"ahhh..." *soils self*
"oh."

Me: "Okay, ACTION!"
*actor sobs pitifully*
"...hey you! this isn't a sobbing scene!"

Me: "Well, given the mental damage we've done to the cast, I guess we could re-write the script to be about Jewish prisoners in Auschwitz."

Me: "...SPACE AUSCHWITZ!"
*producer high fives director*

In The Span of a Day

2007-03-13T03:09:10Z

...quite a few things can happen.

An Age Old Question Answered

2007-02-06T02:36:28Z

Doubtlessly, everyone in America has at one time or another sampled Americanized Chinese Cuisine, and most of those people will have, at some point, noticed how similar the menus are from establishment to establishment. A much smaller percentage of those people will be aware that most of what appears on American Chinese restaurant menus is as foreign to the Chinese as it is to them. That is, people in China don't eat what you get at Lucky Wok down the street.

So where exactly did dishes like "General Tso's Chicken" come from, if in Hunan no one knows about it? The New York Times answers.

General Tso’s chicken is named for Tso Tsung-t’ang (now usually transliterated as Zuo Zongtang), a formidable 19th-century general who is said to have enjoyed eating it. The Hunanese have a strong military tradition, and Tso is one of their best-known historical figures. But although many Chinese dishes are named after famous personages, there is no record of any dish named after Tso.
The real roots of the recipe lie in the chaotic aftermath of the Chinese civil war, when the leadership of the defeated Nationalist Party fled to the island of Taiwan. They took with them many talented people, including a number of notable chefs, and foremost among them was Peng Chang-kuei... (click to read on)

Alas, they only detail the genesis of the Tso's Chicken, but it's interesting nonetheless. It's nice to know that the dish wasn't devised by some secretive lodge of Chinese food restauranteurs deep within the sewers of San Francisco, as I've previously heard rumored. Really. From someone stupid, that is.

The Only Celebrity I've Ever Been In Love With

2007-01-24T03:42:16Z

...was Nomia Maki of the now sadly defunct Pizzicato Five. The P5 rocked the retro with unbelievable efficacy - always exactly two decades behind the curve with retroactive soul funk and high-life bossa during the 80s, retroactive glam rock during the 90s, and retroactive pop during the 'aughts.

Invoking Twiggy == hot.

Those who know me will easily understand the attraction.

Sweet soul revue indeed

It Better Not Suck

2007-01-15T22:38:36Z

I have begun the viewing of The Devil Wears Prada. It was a toss-up between that and The Thin Red Line for "what to put on while I do my thang", where "thang" usually refers to fabric-hacking. Alls I can say about "The Devil Wears Prada" thus far is "there'd better be a goddamn moral to this story".

It Doesn't Suck

2007-01-15T18:37:36Z

A few days ago, I had the opportunity to watch Apocalypto. And I took this opportunity. And I exited the theater two hours later quite surprised. All through the viewing a single thought repeated itself in my head. A single, surprised thought: "Wow. This isn't shitty."

MOVIE BAAAAD!!!

You see, usually when watching a flick, I'll think to myself "God, this is shitty." Or perhaps "Wow, this movie is fantastic." But in this case what I found remarkable about the movie was not that it was awful, nor that it was terrific, but precisely that it *wasn't* awful. Do ya get the distinction? It was the prominent potential for shittiness, the very fact that Mel Gibson had gone traipsing through a minefield of cliches clutching $40 million dollars to his chest and somehow emerged with a halfway decent movie in hand.

SUUUUUUUUCCCKKK!!!

After seeing the trailer for the first time, I imagined Mel Gibson giggling to himself and thinking "hee hee hee, we'll have people speaking gibberish, and... and guys with their butts showing... and we'll paint some white people brown oh my god this is going to be so fucking AWESOME!" And with tasty trivia bits like this:

Many substantial speaking roles in the film were filled by Mayan people who had never acted before. For instance, the sick little girl who curses the hunting party as they and the captives pass right before entering the city, was played by a seven year old who lived in a dirt-floored hut in a village not unlike Jaguar Paw's.

...I feel justified in my repeatedly stating "wow. I can't believe this isn't shitty."

A Good News-Day

2007-01-09T02:14:29Z

Today was a Good News-Day™. By this I mean that the news headlines of this particular day seem to indicate that the world as a whole might be improving, if even just a little bit. Which is unusual, of course. Because the world is shitty.

But not today. No, today brings us a scant but pleasant pair of newsitems. First, we have word that "Spain takes lead in closing down the websites that tell girls it's good to be anorexic":

Health authorities in Madrid have acted to close a pro-anorexia website, accusing it of endangering the lives of teenage girls.
Four months after the city led the world in the Size 0 debate by banning ultra-skinny models from its catwalks, health officials are shining the spotlight on the growing number of “pro-ana” websites that glorify starvation diets.

Wow. Just wow. But it gets better.

The regional government has asked a judge to determine whether the owners are criminally liable for the content.

CRIMINALLY. LIABLE. It does seem to me that the spaniards just might be in possession of the only government on the planet which actually utilizes its resources to consider legislations with the citizenry in mind. *cough*. Bravo. Go Spain. Keep being... Spanish.

The other piece of good-news-day-news is titled, "Neo-Nazi leader arrested on child porn charges".

"Kevin also used to say that the only sport he was interested in was nymphet baseball, whatever that means."

Um. Yeah. In any case, this is the organization our friend Kevin represented. Feel free to visit and check the site out. You can draw your own conclusions regarding their stance. Don't worry, no one will be watching.

A Walk In The Park Yields A WTF

2007-01-08T00:09:10Z

As I was walking down the path I happened upon a large-ish glittering abandoned object which I could not immediately identify. So naturally I ran up to it giggling, cameraphone drawn. What the hell is it? I will tell you what it is: It is a bottle of cheap rum (sans rum, but with some flowers stuffed into it) inserted into a cheese grater and loosely attached by means of string about the mouth/cap threaded through the grater's holes. To this already bizarre apparatus, an umbrella handle was affixed using wads of red electrical tape. I'm going to guess that this particular rumgrater needed to be portable.

This is yet further proof that reality bends in my presence, and that truly I am a primal force of retardedness.

It Would Seem

2007-01-03T04:21:11Z

Fate, it would seem, is not without a sense of humor. One which belongs to an asshole, that is. Earlier this day, I'd had myself a chat with a close friend regarding my tension, the escalating sense of unease that's been incubating within me for about a month now. Here follows the paraphrased transcript.

Boob: Maybe you just need to find some more leisurely leisure activities. Things to relax you. I mean, you always seem to be doing fairly stressful things, even for fun. Lying in bed and reading, for instance, might be less stressful than whatever it is you're currently doing.

Me: Mmm... not when you're reading The Republican War on Science

Boob: O-kay. Well something else then. Sharpening knives always relaxes me, in a mechanical way.

Me: Well, I have sewing but sewing isn't something I can do all the time. I mean, in order to sew, I need to have something to make, alter, or repair.

..."am I asking for fate to intervene?" - this thought always enters my mind when I make sentences which begin with "but". And I kid you not, mere *seconds* after that thought had passed, I knelt down to reach into my (lovely salvation-army-scored vintage 70s Coach shoulder-) bag and an enormous tear erupted down the ass of my pants. 'Tis a miracle indeed that one of my buttocks did not sink into the (nearest) ocean, and 'tis a miracle indeed that I had a spare sweatshirt at the office with which I could conceal meiner buttocken for the rest of my goddamn day.

Yeah, fuck you too, god of pants