Dear God
Very few things can render me speechless. This has. The comments thread following the video on Youtube is equally frightening.
March 30, 2007
March 24, 2007
To Catch a Predator: Licensed Merchandise
...hypothetically, anyways. No license yet, but this to me (myself being an idiot) is a fantastic idea. Most everyone by now is aware of the television show, "To Catch A Predator", featuring the pedophile-hunting host Chris Hansen.
If you're unawares of this wonderful program, let me tell you this: it is the closest thing this country has to cruel and unusual punishment, and for that reason it is fantastic. Would-be pedophiles are set up for an encounter, expecting to meet their prey, only to find Chris Hansen and his cameras waiting for them. Awkward interviews, tussles with police, denial of cookies, these are the aftermaths of the encounters. Schadenfreude aside, the humiliation of criminals is something I feel is strongly lacking in this society.
Samples, as always, are available on youtube and the official site.
So. It occurs to me that the visage of Chris Hanson, the sound of his voice, these should strike sheer terror into the hearts of pedophiles. So what could be a more effective deterrent than Chris-Hansen-branded undies? I've comped some of these up.
Here's a sample:
TREMBLE IN FEAR
But I think we can turn up the terror a little bit:
I SAID TREMBLE!
And terror more yet:
SURRENDER YOUR SOUL TO ME, FOR IT IS FORFEIT. MY ONE THOUSAND EYES WILL OVERSEE THE DISMANTLING OF YOUR FLESH, MY ONE THOUSAND CLAWS WILL ADMINISTER THE DISSECTION, MY ONE THOUSAND HANDS WILL LIFT YOUR REMAINS TO MY ONE THOUSAND MAWS, WHERE EACH AND EVERY PARCEL OF YOUR BEING WILL SING SINGULARLY IN ANGUISH, AND ONCE YOU ARE REDUCED TO AN INDIVISIBLE ATOM OF SELF, THEN SHALL YOUR PUNISHMENT BEGIN, FOR *I* AM CHRIS HANSEN, AND this is Dateline NBC. You're on live television. Do you realize what you've done here?
Finally! Someone Bring Me A Tapir
A tapir.
The act of mating with a species other than your own may not be as ill advised or peculiar as it seems.
Mmm. Yes. *licks lips*
Recent research indicates that hybridization is not only widespread in nature but it might also spawn many more new species than previously thought.A growing number of studies has been presented as evidence that two animal species can combine to produce a third, sexually viable species in a process known as hybrid speciation. Newly identified examples include both insects and fish.
Interspecies mating justified at last! No longer must I feel shame for the thousands of hours I'd spent watching Animal Planet while unclothed and be-sweated. No more must I hold a book over my privates when in the presence of a fish tank. Finally, I can stop feigning cat allergies and openly admit my lust for all living things! Bring me a sea slug! Bring me a gibnut! Hell, this discovery turns Noah's Ark into a swingers Love Boat. Alright, I'm off to the zoo to get me some action.
March 14, 2007
On Discussing Cinema
So in the past I've worked with a large number of movie-studio properties. Movie titles. I've heard box office numbers flung about like gasoline prices and bust size measurements. So as much as I'm not a cinemaphile proper, I can't help but get involved in discussions regarding film production every now and then. Sometimes the result is worth preserving for posterity.
Mike: regarding the much delayed danny boyle scifi film, Sunshine: "The cast were forced to live in student amenities for a while where they had to cook for themselves..."Me: and what exactly was the reasoning behind that?
Mike: according to the article, "to create a feel of solitude and being confined together."
Mike: apparently, they cant act either. they had to go to solitude training. confinement camp.
Me: They didn't know how to be alone, and had to be trained in solitary confinement for stretches of years, until the producers realized that the actors forgot how to speak during that time.
Me: "Well shit, talk about unintended side effects."
Mike: "say your line, dammit!"
"ahhh..." *soils self*
"oh."Me: "Okay, ACTION!"
*actor sobs pitifully*
"...hey you! this isn't a sobbing scene!"Me: "Well, given the mental damage we've done to the cast, I guess we could re-write the script to be about Jewish prisoners in Auschwitz."
Me: "...SPACE AUSCHWITZ!"
*producer high fives director*
March 12, 2007
In The Span of a Day
...quite a few things can happen.
